Fiction is Cruel, a Phanfic
by iamtheoutcast
Summary: 'In Fiction there is Cruelty, in Cruelty there is Reality, in Reality there is Truth, in Truth there is Pain, and in Pain there is an imaginary force called Love.' DanxPhil, boyxboy, slash, Phan! Don't Like, Don't Read! Love you, Love you, Please Review! Dan and Phil, I can't even...
1. Prologue

_I don't claim to understand the way the universe works, but I try my hardest not to question it. Because as soon as I let myself think about the Whos, Hows, Whats, Wheres, and Whys, I can't stop and fail to do anything productive until a certain someone who will not be named pulls me back into reality_.

_The universe is the most confusing place I'll ever live in- It lets you dream just so that they can shatter and lets you feel things you really shouldn't. It gives you the impression that there is hope for a better day if you just do something, but never gives anybody the opportunity to explain to you how difficult that something may be. And worst of all, this many-sided place we call Life gives us the most addictive thing ever created; fiction._

_You see, friend, in fiction things always have a happy ending- or usually they do. Curse you, John Green, for inadvertently contradicting my sentence through defiance of the laws of fiction in general! Um.. Anyway..._

_Fiction is cruel through the so-called happily ever after the characters somehow all manage to achieve. Very cruel, indeed, because it doesn't work that way. For years I have tried for this ending where all is assumed perfect forevermore, and many times over I have failed. Because the universe called Fiction lets you think you could be just as well as such people, and then BAM! An even more heinous force than fiction calls. This painful wake-up call goes by the name of Reality, and it is an unfortunate fact of life that I live here._

_I cannot have happily ever after, because in Reality I have found a feeling called Pain masquerading as Love. In Fiction there is cruelty, in Cruelty there is Reality, in Reality there is Truth, in Truth there is Pain, and in Pain there is an imaginary force called Love. Love is an illusion, thin and useless, for it does not ever truly exist for many and for others it will forever be one-sided, as my love for my best friend who surely thinks of me as nothing is no happily ever after, just a never-ending, painful effort to reach one._

_I am Dan Howell, and these hard-earned truths I give to you..._

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><p><strong><em>NEW STORY! I am actually pretty happy with this beginning, what do you think? I love reviews, please give me some!<em>**

**_LOVE YOU LOVE YOU! PLEASE REVIEW!_**


	2. Chapter 1

"_Dan!"_ Shouted Phil rather loudly as he ran into their flat. Dan glanced up and saw that Phil was hopping excitedly from his left foot to his right and felt an amused smile playing at his lips.

"Phil!" He shouted back playfully.

"Guess what?"

"Chicken butt?" Phil rolled his eyes and seemed to make a valiant effort to stop his fidgeting.

"Daniel Howell, you have the mind of a four-year-old boy. Can you try and be serious for five minutes?" Phil flashed a pair of unbelievable puppy-dog eyes that he knew very well the younger couldn't resist. Sure enough, Dan scooted a little to the left on the couch where he had been scrolling through the horrifying place called Tumblr. Phil flopped onto the sofa with a heart-melting smile.

"Peej and Chris want to do a Fantastic Foursome Christmas thing with us- It looks like so much fun! Want to do it with me?"

Dan bit his lip.

"Um..." He _really _didn't want Chris or Peej to catch him staring at Phil; he was lucky no one had caught him already. But he really didn't have an excuse...

_"Please?_" Begged Phil, pulling Dan out of his thoughts. He glanced at the older man resentfully and gave a slight nod that was probably very hard to catch. But Phil saw, grinned, and gave Dan a quick hug before running off to call Peej and let him know. _Honestly, _thought Dan, _You'd think he'd won the lottery! _But he smiled despite himself- when Phil was happy, so was he. Ah, the old cliche`; When one was happy, so was the other, and it worked the same when they were sad, angry, excited, and so on.

He turned back to his Tumblr-ing with the stupid grin still plastered across his face. But just as he assumed the browsing position, he felt a weight on the couch cushion next to him.

"Hi, Phil..." He murmured without glancing up.

"Peej just told us when to be there and it sounds like this is gonna be great! Aren't you excite- Hey why d'you look so think-y?" Evidently, in the five seconds he'd been gone, Dan had sunk into a period of deep thought. And Phil Lester had noticed, because Phil Lester noticed everything.

"Just having a never-ending existential crisis," He lied. It isn't hard to guess what he'd really been thinking about, is it?

"No, Dan, really. What's wrong?" He looked worried. Dan sighed, realizing that Phil wasn't going to let up until he got a somewhat truth out of him.

So he told him part of what he was thinking:

"It's stupid, really, but sometimes I wonder if everyone thinks like me, you know? If we're all just hiding who we really are, or... part of who we really are. And maybe we're all doing it in the hopes that people will like us better if we only show the bits and pieces of ourselves that are guaranteed to be accepted by everyone." It was kind of what he was thinking...

Phil stared at him with his eyebrows knit together for a moment, then said, "How in the actual hell are you a YouTuber instead of some philosopher or something?" Dan giggled(in a very manly way!) and gave him a light shove. Phil shot him a look of mock outrage.

"You will pay for that!" He shouted, and playfully tackled him onto the couch. Dan squealed involuntarily as Phil started to revenge-tickle him. When his face was bright red and he was completely breathless, Phil smirked and sat back, reaching for the remote so he could rewatch _another _old _Buffy the Vampire Slayer _rerun. Dan righted himself and pushed his fringe out of his eyes, panting.

"I... hate... you," He gasped.

"No, you don't," Replied Phil truthfully as he started the Buffy episode. And he was right, Dan knew- Dan loved him, really, more than anything. But Phil couldn't know that, it would be the end of everything. Because life is not a fairy-tale...

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><p><strong><em>BAM! Okay, so that was so cheesy I'm choking, but I hope you like it! And if you did... Love you, Love you! Please review!<em>**


	3. Chapter 2

Dan walked down the sidewalk next to he and Phil's flat with the hood of his jacket pulled up over his head. He wasn't going anywhere, he just wanted to think.

_Love is a stupid thing, _he mused. _You can fall in, but it seems impossible to get back out._

Phil cared about him, Dan knew, but there was no way he loved him. How could he?

In his head, Dan began to tick off the reasons Phil Lester, the most perfect human being to ever _actually _exist, would never give a shit about him- Dan, worthless, lovesick, Dan Howell.

_One- He likes girls. I am not a female._

_Two- He would never understand why I'm in love with him._

_Three- Reality hates me. It wouldn't let him give a shit._

_And finally, four- I don't deserve him._

Dan hated himself for this last one, because he'd been trying his hardest not to think it was true. He felt a burning sensation behind his eyes and wiped furiously at them. With a sigh, he sank down onto the curb.

"What is _wrong _with me?!" He wondered out loud. He glanced up at the sky.

_"_What did I ever do to you?" He whispered to the air. He hoped the universe was listening; he went on,

"Why is this happening? Why do I have to be in love?! It's stupid; I hate it!" His voice rose until he was almost shouting.

"I never did anything bad enough to deserve this! _It won't stop! _All I can think about is..." His voice trailed off into an almost inaudible murmur.

_"Him..._" He finished. Dan felt a fire behind his eyes once more and this time he didn't bother to quench it. He buried his face in his hands and let the tears fall.

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><p>Back in their flat, Phil watched from the window as Dan paced up and down the sidewalk. He looked upset, and he'd have loved nothing more than to make whatever was wrong better, but he had no clue what was bothering him. And Dan wouldn't tell him. Phil sighed and rubbed his temples- Dan never told him anything anymore.<p>

He didn't get it; they were _best friends! _They were supposed to tell each other everything, and yet...

Maybe Dan thought Phil would think less of him when he found out about whatever it was? Phil felt a tiny grin try to work it's way onto his face despite himself.

_No way, _he thought. _Dan told me all about how he was scared of the dark, and supernatural things he doesn't believe in, and everything else. Why would he be scared to tell me this?_

Phil glanced out of the window again and gasped. Dan was sitting there, sobbing on the curb. And suddenly Phil was more angry than anything else- who _dared _to make his little Danosaur cry?! Phil furrowed his eyebrows. No, he corrected himself, not his... Well, maybe it wasn't _that _weird. He loved Dan, didn't he? And even if Dan didn't think exactly the same way about him, he wouldn't hesitate to take care of him.

Dan Howell didn't deserve to sit there crying on the curb, Phil decided. He was going to get rid of this problem once and for all.

Little did he know, he _was _the problem...

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><p><em><strong>Poor babies! Unrequited love, waaaaaaah! I think Phil MIGHT be dealing a little better, though... DAN! PLEASE DON'T CRY! Oh, right, I'm writing this... <strong>_

_**Love you, Love you! Please review!**_

_**And Dan, PLEEEEEEEEASE stop crying!**_


	4. Chapter 3

"Phil?" Dan said squeakily as he reentered their flat. It'd taken far too long, in his opinion, for his eyes to dry and stop looking like someone had painted them with Halloween makeup, but now he wanted nothing more than to sit on the couch and eat a quadrillion bags of Malteasers with Phil.

"Yeah, Dan?." Came a muffled reply from the kitchen.

"Do you wanna hang out?" Dan asked quietly, hoping Phil wouldn't notice he'd been crying and knowing perfectly well that he definitely would. He'd probably sit there and not mention it, but he'd know.

Phil had an idea, though. These demons were controlling Dan's life, and if he had to play dirty to find out what they were, so be it.

"Okay, sure. If you tell me why you've been feeling like crap for months on end." Dan began to shake his head, to insist once more that there was nothing wrong, but Phil cut him off.

"Don't you _dare _tell me that it's nothing, because it's something! I miss my Danosaur, the one who hero-worshipped Winnie-the-Pooh and was addicted to Malteasers and watched Buffy marathons with me. So what's going on?!" Dan stared for a few moments before his lip began to quiver and he collapsed onto the couch.

_Funny, _he thought,_ I could have sworn I was all out of tears._

But sure enough, down came a salty stream of water.

"I feel so... so fucking _trapped,"_ Dan croaked. Phil sat down on the couch next to him and gently rubbed soothing circles in his back. He let Dan snuggle into his shoulder and wet his lion T-shirt with tears as he spoke.

"Mhm..." Phil hummed, giving him a soft nudge in the right direction, a subconscious reminder that he had to keep talking or Phil couldn't talk.

"It's like there's walls, all around me, and I want to get out but..." He shrugged. "I can't." He sighed, and a few more tears fell before they stopped coming. Phil sweetly wiped Dan's eyes with his shirt and ruffled his hair.

"Why do you feel trapped, Danny?" Phil whispered. Dan didn't answer for a moment, just laid his head on Phil's shoulder. But then, he suddenly sat up and asked,

"Phil, have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt? Because you knew that there was absolutely no way that they'd ever feel the same?" Phil looked at him and understood, suddenly. He didn't know who this person was that Dan liked, but, whoever it was, they must make Dan's heart flutter the way Dan made his heart thump along like a drum. They must make him happy and accept the fact that he ate more chocolate than was probably healthy, because it was adorable the way he did it. But they were still hurting Dan... They already didn't deserve him, but Phil knew that in his eyes no one would ever deserve Dan Howell, not even him.

"Yes, Dan, I have." Neither knew that the one they loved was sitting next to them, they just sat in comfortable silence and watched Winnie-the-Pooh even though Buffy was on, and neither took any notice of the fact that Dan was still cuddling against Phil. After all, they were okay with this, even if they wanted more. In Dan's mind, Phil couldn't ever love him, and vice versa.

Idiots.

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><p><em><strong>Sorry if this le' sucked. I tried! E for Effort? DAN STOP CRYING POOR BABY I LOVE YOU SO DOES PHIL WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Erm... Love you, Love you! Please review!<strong>_


	5. Chapter 4

Phil pushed the 'record' button on the camera with a giant grin. It was the day of the Christmas video, and he was at Peej's house filming with Chris, Dan and PJ himself. It seemed forever since they'd all been together, and as much as he loved hanging out with Dan, he missed the Fantastic Foursome.

"Hi there!" Said PJ to the camera, smiling. "So, today I was going to film a Christmas special but I didn't have any friends, sooo..."

This was their cue, and Dan, Phil and Chris slid into the shot.

"Oh, lookie here, who would've guessed, it's a Fantastic Foursome video! Not like I don't have any other friends." Everybody laughed wholeheartedly.

"So, you guys have been _begging _for us to get together again." Added Chris, smiling at Peej. Evidently, he'd been missing his best friend more than he'd let on.

"And here we are!" Squeaked Dan. Phil let out a tiny chuckle at his cuteness; he was acting like a child who had gotten the bicycle he wanted for his birthday. This was family, when they were together it was like... home, somehow.

"I decided that as the internet has deemed me the _innocent one, _I should plan the family Christmas festivities," Joked Phil. "It's always associated with A) Presents, B) Food, or C) Drinking alcohol, so why not? This is PJ's channel, he's not mentioned in the same conversations as fluffy lions and chocolate, let's play a game!" They all cheered, knowing they actually wouldn't have to get pissed off their asses on the internet since not a one of them could hold their liquor.

Peej went into his kitchen and ran back to the sitting room with a bowl of sweets.

"We're all lightweights, let's eat candy!" Said Dan. Phil snickered lightly behind his hand, and- was he seeing things?- Chris glanced from him to Dan and then winked at Peej in a completely non-suttle way.

"So the rules are we all take twenty sweets, " Explained Peej, "And the confessor, i.e., me; says something they've never done. If someone else _has _done it, they give me their candy. If not, they keep it. The goal is to not lose all of it, but we know all of each other's secrets, so..."

"Please, there's no reason to be embarrassed, PJ," Laughed Dan. "We have no shame!" Another round of laughter.

But it seemed Peej and Chris had taken it upon themselves to fix their family's romance issues, and they had no problem playing dirty. Why would they?

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><p><em><strong>IN THE NEXT CHAPPY: PJ and Chris are playing Cupid! Ah, Phan makes my heart feel happy-smiley. Sorry again, I'm no talent. I HOPE YOU LIKED THIS PIECE OF SHITTY SHIT! Love you, love you! Please review(Yes, you! I know it's boring, or it take effort, or whatever it is that makes you not wantg to, but please?! I'm begging!)!<strong>_


	6. Chapter 5

**_And so it begins..._**

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><p>"But before we start.." Said Chris, throwing a wink at PJ. Dan wished desperately that they'd stop that; they were feeding Kickthestickz fanfiction.<p>

"What?!" Asked Phil impatiently. He was irritated with all of their 'we-know-something-that-you-don't' bullshit.

"Can I talk to you for a moment, Dan?" Wondered Peej, ignoring Phil's obvious annoyance as easily as if he'd not spoken at all.

Dan seemed to snap out of a sort of trance at the sound of his voice. He immediately felt his cheeks turn bright scarlet- he'd been staring at Phil. _Again. _And he hadn't even realized... He was immensely grateful that Phil hadn't either.

Dan nodded and followed PJ out of the room, still blushing an infuriatingly red color.

_Why in the name of Llamas did he wait until we'd already started filming to drag me in here? _Dan thought to himself. He didn't have much time to think on it, though, as Peej closed the door behind them. He leaned casually against it and, looking calmly upon a insanely confused Dan, extracted a tiny leather-bound book from his pocket. Dan's heart stopped, and for a moment he thought he may actually have died. But then it started back up, so quickly that he swore his ribs would break. It was as if it was trying to run away from him, and in all honesty Dan couldn't blame it. Why would you ever want to be something as easily broken as a heart?

"H-how did you get m-my journal?" Dan stuttered.

"Found it," Replied Peej, as easily as if they were simply two friends, lost in a perfectly normal conversation wherein no one's greatest secrets were on the table.

"You d-didn't..." Dan swallowed the lump in his throat. "_Read _it, did you?"

In answer, PJ glanced at Dan and said in the same infuriatingly calm voice,

"Love is an illusion, thin and useless, for it does not ever truly exist for many and for others it will forever be one-sided, as my love for my best friend who surely thinks of me as nothing is no happily ever after, just a painful, never-ending struggle to reach one," Dan stared for a moment before letting out a strangled cry of fear and lunging urgently for the horrifyingly embarrassing book of his secrets, allowing a few tears to roll down his face as he thought of what might happen if Phil saw this. PJ was never meant to know those things.

"Peej, those were private! Why would you read my journal?! Those were _my _private thoughts, and y-you read them! You w-weren't supposed to know, no one was!" PJ held the book away from Dan's reaching hands so easily that it almost seemed a bored sort of action.

"Dan, Dan, Dan," He tutted. "Do you honestly think it matters at this point? Besides, I already knew. This was just proof. And you really shouldn't shout at someone who's trying to help you, that's bad manners."

"How is this _helping?!"_ Dan shrieked. "Why don't you go ruin somebody else's life?!" PJ rolled his eyes, only serving to anger Dan further. There was practically actual steam pouring from his ears.

Dan ran his hands through his hair, tugging harshly at the roots before doing the only thing he could think of to get that bit of leather and paper that could ruin everything he cared about- He pointed a punch straight at his friend's eye.

Just before he made contact, he felt two strong arms close around his waist and pull him back. Dan's heart dropped into his stomach- Phil.

"Whoa, Dan, calm down!" Phil shouted, still holding tightly to a struggling Dan. His eyes met PJ's, and he said, "I only just opened the door; what did you say to him that I didn't hear?" A miniscule drop of relief mixed into the ocean of emotions running through Dan's mind- Phil hadn't heard, he was alright. He was still so, so mad at Peej, and he glared at him. He swore that as soon as he was alone with PJ he'd punch a few of his teeth out, just because he deserved it. Peej looked at him with one raised eyebrow, knowing perfect well that Dan wouldn't dare tell Phil a word of the incident from just moments beforehand.

"Nothing, Phil," Said PJ innocently. "Let's just get back to the sitting room, we wouldn't want to keep Chris waiting?" He pushed past the two, blissfully ignorant of the fact that Dan was shaking with rage in Phil's grasp. The pair walked slowly after him, Dan regretting the decision to do this video more than anyone could ever understand.

"Sorry 'bout that," Said PJ cheerily to the camera as they reentered the room. " Let's get back to our game, shall we? Never have I ever..."

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><p><em><strong>BWAHAHAHA! YOU JUST GOT CLIFFIED! Did you like this? PJ, you dick! But you're doing it to help... I feel conflicted. Anyway, Love you, Love you! PLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEASE review!<strong>  
><em>


	7. Chapter 6

Throughout the filming of the Christmas special, Phil made it a point to sit between Dan and Chris, and to exclude PJ altogether. He had done something to Dan that made him angry, and despite having no clue what it was, he felt a certain amount of hatred for Peej at this point. Though, he loved all of them too much to stop being friends with them...

In all honesty, the whole situation was scrambling his brain.

A lot of the 'Never Have I Evers' PJ said were a bit silly, and quite a few were obviously just to mess with Chris.

"Never have I ever pissed the bed as an adult."

"Never have I ever accidentally brought somebody else's things on a trip."

"Never have I ever read my own fanfiction."

But then came one that made Phil and Dan both jump so high they nearly fell off their chairs:

"Never have I ever been in love with my best friend." Dan glared at Peej, if he had a truck he and Chris would both be flat.

Phil, however, made a split second decision to stop hiding everything from Dan-

He closed his fingers around one of his last three candies and passed it to PJ without taking his eyes off of Dan. Time seemed to slow as Dan reached out with shaking hands and passed his final one to their taller friend. Phil felt his heart stop, he felt that if he died right then and there he would die happy; nothing had ever felt as wonderful as knowing that Dan Howell, perfect little Dan, loved him back.

But then Dan seemed to realize what he'd done. His heart seemed to shatter, and he leapt to his feet, suddenly desperate to be gone from this place. He threw Phil a mortified glance, he'd just ruined everything, he thought.

"I'm sorry," He whispered, a river of tears rushing from his eyes as he turned and ran head-on out of the front door. He ignored Peej and Chris' voices calling him back and just kept running, running. Maybe if he went fast enough he'd forget it ever happened.

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><p>Somewhere in the back of Phil's mind he knew that Chris was shouting at him. Somewhere in the deepest reaches of his brain he heard PJ's desperate apologies. But none of it mattered anymore as he shoved out onto the street after Dan.<p>

Dan had been crying, he'd been upset, and this time he knew what was wrong and that he was the only one who could fix it...

"Dan!" Phil cried, relieved, as he rounded a corner and saw him there. He was doubled over, breathing heavily, but when he caught sight of Phil he tried to scramble away Phil wasn't having that, no; Dan wasn't running away this time.. His fingers closed around his wrist, and he pulled his sobbing form close. Dan buried his face in Phil's shirt and cried, while he tried to memorise his wonderful scent, sure that this was the last time he'd ever see him. He whispered apologies uncalled-for between his hiccuping sobs along with promises that he'd be out of their flat by morning, but was silenced when Phil pressed their lips together.

_Fireworks._ Dan's clouded brain had barely registered the beautiful fact that Phil Lester was kissing his before he kissed back. It was perfect, just as he'd imagined, and they only pulled away when they needed air.

"Ph-Phil?..." Dan said wonderingly when he'd caught his breath. Phil looked at him with a small grin and threw his arms around Dan's waist, pulling him forward so he could rest his forehead against Dan's.

"I love you too, Dan-bear." And suddenly, it was as if nothing bad had ever happened in either's life- Love is not an illusion, Dan decided, when you love someone like Phil. He tilted his head up and pressed his lips back to Phil's again, smiling, all tears forgotten.

Phil loved him back; and Dan finally had his happily ever after...

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><p><strong><em>OMFG WHAT JUST HAPPENED TO ALL THE PHEELS?! I just got those fixed, too... Oh, well! Feels-filled chappy, hope you liked this! PHAN IS MY LIFE! DO NOT CRITICISE MY OTP! IF I KILL YOU, IT'S YOUR FAULT! Love you, Loveyou! Please review! And maybe stay tuned?<em>**


	8. Epilogue

_Hello there. It's been a while, old friend. I think I might just have forgotten you existed._

_I reread some of these old entries recently and decided that I should correct the misguided knowledge of my despairing past self._

_I would like to say that the idea of Fiction being some sort of heinous demon creature is quite a lie, see. Fiction is wonderful when afterwards you can pull yourself back into a gorgeous reality where Phil Lester wants to snuggle with you on the couch, where everyday he will tell you over and over how much he loves you and how lucky he is to have you even though I'm obviously the luccky one. _

_My former misgivings about the concept of love could do with some fixing, too. Love, in fact, is the most beautiful thing on the planet, Phil excluded. It makes you feel warm and safe, and you know that somebody cares about you. Love is when someone wants to wake up holding you everyday of their lives; Love is a little gold ring, a lifetime promise. Love is midnight cuddles and sweet kisses when you're scared, and these thing prove the point of the matter, which is that love is anything but thin and useless._

_As for Pain, yes, it does hurt. It burns like hell, but the fact is that Love makes it all better._

_I was wrong, do you understand? I have never been so happy to have been horridly mistaken. _

_Life, I suppose, is like a fairy-tale. My prince's named Phillip. And for some odd reason, he loves me too._

_Thank you, universe, for this wonderful existence, and my apologies that it took me so long to remember to thank you for this great life of mine._

_My name is Dan Howell, and these perfect truths I give to you..._

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><p><strong><em>BAM BOO BAP BEEP! Wait, what? This is le epilogue of le story. And, AWWWWWW! You don't understand, I've been planning on the epilogue being a journal entry like this. What do you think? Is it good? Bad? So-so? As perfect as Phan itself? No, nothing's that great.<em>**

**_Love you, love you! Please review!_**


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